Grey Clouds

Coming to Penang seemed like a dream come true. I thought that when I come here, I'd have less problems, I'd be more matured in my walk with God, that I'd be able to live a carefree life. When I came to Penang, I moved into a very beautiful condominium in Persiaran Bayan Baru, with a beautiful view from my room, I said to myself, "This is it! My own room with swimming pool view!". Carefree is out the window at the moment, feel that I'm holding on to so many things that I have lost focus. I don't know where to channel all my energy, I want to spend more time with Father, but I just don't have the motivation at times, and just plain lazy at times. Sometimes, I feel like this struggle with my own desires, and what I know should be done is easy as eating a piece of cake, but still, too many a time, I still lose the battle. Strangely, there are times, I can tell myself,

"There are 2 ways you can look at this life, be miserable and sorry for yourself and sit in your own sadness and rot there, or pick yourself up, put on a new suit, and start walking even if it's slower than a crawl, walk..."

No matter what hardships I face, I still have things to thank Father for. His gentleness, patience and grace in dealing with this stubborn, hard, rigid, thick skinned, thick skulled child of His. Though I may choose to turn away from Father, there He stands, extending His arms of love to me. "Father, forgive me for my hard ways, break me if that is what it takes. I have been running around, disobeying You, making my own rules, and worst of all, there are times that I have taken you for granted." I want to thank Father for His grace over my life, showing me His love that melts even the coldest heart, break the hardest walls and brings down all self pride.

I feel bored at work today, nearly over a week, I have nothing much to do, most of the times, I have been waiting, waiting, and waiting.. Waiting for this person to give me feedback, waiting for this to come, waiting for that to come. Sometimes, I just want to go home and sleep. Isn't it better than sitting on my desk doing everything non beneficial? Most of what i do is wait for 11.30 for lunch and then after that wait for 5.20 to walk out of the office gates.

Oh ya, if you guys haven't noticed, I'm also contributing to another blog Caramel Chocolate Swirls. My sister started this blog, and I have been invited to contribute to it. For now, it will be mostly about her wedding. I'm so happy for her, and also happy that she has included me in the preparation for her big and special day. I would try my best in doing the photo slide show.

Guess it's like how Danny put it... "if we look at all the miserable things in life, we will never be happy." if we worry about all the little things in life, we will have no life. Saying that I want to live a life of "carefree" in God is harder than it sounds. I thought that it's so easy to just live without worry, but sometimes, we just can't help it but worry, and think that we know better than God does.