The lost episode

Thanks munK for ur reminder. =) yes, it has been a long 2 months. I guess i just couldn't find the time to load this page slowly, and then write posts. I also haven't visited anyone's blog at all these few months. Don't know what's going on anywhere else except for my own little world in university. Life has been really sad I would say, for the past few months, I have been struggling in my walk with my Father, and I just feel so messed up right till this moment. The last 2 weeks it has been worse. I have no motivation to get up early, I choose to sleep late just to make myself feel very very very sleepy then only I go to sleep. Sher, I've not kept my word to keep my series and animes for the holidays. I've been watching them every time they come out. Lol. How to make things right again? The one thing I remember were these words from uncle kevin "sometimes, we just have to bite the bullet". Well, it's hard I must say. I remember that at the time when he told me that, I just nodded my head and say "yes, that's it. It's just a choice I make" now, I'm afraid of that change because I don't want to change then someday go back here again. Sometimes I really hope that God would just take me away from this place, send me back home. Miss Bethany so much, I miss the fellowship of the people, but sometimes, i feel that if i go back, and they knew what's going on with me, I'd be so ashamed to look them in the eye and tell them that everything is ok, because everything is not okay. I just make it seem okay, tell myself everything is okay, and just move on. I mean it's okay in the sense that God is still in control, but there is still something wrong cause I feel so far from God.

I can't even remember my last posting, what I wrote about. Life has just been so so busy. I take any free time that I have to do some unhealthy recreation. I play games on my computer, download series, watch anime.. and most of all, sleep!

A lof of things have happened in the past 2 months. In church, the purchase of the new building was done and the pledges have already been collected. So far, we have reached our pledge target in the first pledge and we want to push for more in the coming pledges. For now, renovation is being done at the new building and I certainly do hope that it can be completed before i leave this university. haha.. Last sunday, it was easter and we had a easter celebration party at the new church building. We had the party outside because firstly, the inside of the church is not ready yet, and there are too many people to fit inside the building, so we had it outside. This is the first time I organized something as big as this, and with the help of a lot of other people, the barbaque party was a success. I have yet to conduct a postmortem with the team yet. =D (Can't find the time is the excuse)

Currently, I'm looking for a place to do my internship. I've applied to quite a number of companies but until now, there has been no replies yet. I applied for this company in Penang (Agilent Technologies) and the response they gave me was that they have gotten my resume and that they are going to see it and then show the HR manager. I would really like to go there, but the only problem is that my parents are encouraging me to go to KL because it's more convenient and that my sister is there, I don't have to worry about getting a place to stay and stuff like that.

Yesterday, I suddenly realized that I have about 1 more month to go before my final exams come up. Right now, I have about 5 projects to complete with a few other assignments to finish up, and more tests to finish. All in the next coming month before my exams. I really hope that this semester I'd be able to do better but looking at the current situation of things, I doubt myself that I'd be able to do well. Still, I want to put hope that I can do well with the help of God. I must buck up in my studies, and stop slacking already. I must say that the biggest obstacle for me is myself. I want to do well, but I am too lazy to make it there, I want things but sometimes, I tell myself, what's the point of trying so hard when you know that you can't get it? Right now, I feel as if all I know to do is to complain. Lolz. Day in and day out, all I ever do is complain that my day is not so good, sometimes, I just go through the motions of the day; wake up, go to class, eat dinner, play games, do a bit of work, watch more movies and series, then more games, then sleep late at night.

Bla bla bla.. I should stop complaining. I just pray that I will get out of this self pitying state as soon as possible, and ask I set my eyes on God, I'm certain that I will find my way home. One miracle that happens everyday is that even though I'm going through such times, I am still able to find joys in some of the things that I do. I want to thank Jesse for always being there for me, accompanying me to DOTA even though he is busy, want to thank Cheryl and Audrey who encouraged me to go on, pointing me in the right direction when I have lost sight of God.

Right now, I wish that time would turn back, turn back 2 years before this, 2 years before I stepped in to UTP. There is no point regretting the things that I have done now, but to look at them and ask myself what lessons have I learned from them. I don't know how, but I guess that sometime in the future, I'll look back at this and with a smile say "thank you" to God for letting me through this and then getting me out of it.

I'll get going now ler, feel that I should take out my bible and spend some quality time with God, and to get the momentum going. Looking forward to the holidays, and also hope to get a good placing for my internship. =)